flickr

since posting pictures is being severely neglected, thought i'd post my mostly-always updated flickr photostream.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/panoramichearts/

side note: my picture today.. the caption says it all. yep.

the stars, the moon

they have all been blown out-

you left me in the dark,

no dawn, no day

i'm always in this twilight-

in the shadow of your heart.

(florence and the machine)

something happened yesterday, and today. i became angry. i was fed up and tired and it hit me like a speeding train. i’m holding out for hope that it lasts- not the anger, the feeling of power. after feeling so weak, so impossibly small.. i’m back. i’m here. the anger is almost gone, and its been replaced with a calm sense of strength at knowing who i am. 
you've done this to me, but i give you no credit.
today, today.. i am incredibly proud of being me. 

to be continued.

you know when someone asks "whats on your mind?"?

immediately all the things, questions and thoughts, lingering on the surface.. disappear. run away as though afraid. and the million words you'd wanted to say when no one was asking, are gone. 

drawing blank is what they call it.

and lately I've been drawing a major blank. not with words- the only time I'm at a loss for those is when I really, really try to remember with feeling. and it takes my breath away.

or when someone asks "how are you?".. I don't know what to say.

"good". I am good. I am great, in fact. possibly better than ever. I understand, potentially more than I did before. I am calmer, quieter, more mature. Full of life and happiness, and extraordinary love for my friends and family. I am confident (and the smallest bit scared) of January, but the smallest bit is humbling and above all I am excited. 

All of this, however, has come with a price. Has come from a lesson. Has derived from hurt, and sadness, and frustration and confusion.. as most really important life lessons do.

I would try to explain but I can't- or I'm not willing to just yet. 

Just know that the place I believed to be home, the place I wanted to call home (not a physical location, a person), is not home at all. Is a lost, empty place that I can't seem to make my way back to. Because its not home without you. You are home. 

Let me be home again, or let me find home with someone else. 

long time..

i've been gone (apologies)
too many photos to fill in tonight and there is something that needs to be written so i will leave you, simply, with just one photo that sums it allllllll up (the past few months). and i will write. if i can.
ps. i'll fill this in soon.