good morning.

time: 10:44 am.
status: drawing. or, trying to.

First off, it is day numero uno of christmas "vay-cay" and I am STILL drawing. Darn you, NSCAD *grinds teeth*!!
Second, I have this massive idea in my head for a very do-able photoshoot. If you were to see the look on my face right now, you'd probably laugh at my pout. The four year old child in me is making her appearance.Want want want want!
Oh, but it's Christmas, so I'll be on my best behavior.
Just needed a quick vent. If I'm lucky, I'll be on here posting new pictures later. *Sighs*
And a word to the wise: While day dreaming, don't do it while making toast. Standing near a toaster. Unless you enjoy small heartattacks.
Sulkily yours,

Hails. ♥

on the different side.

thump thump.

well bloggers, tonight my heart is full.
the sky is hazy and the horizon uncertain,
and i can't seem to find my way to the stars
but i'm thinking maybe tonight is a good night
to think about change.
the christmas tree, each year, is never in the same place.
the stockings are always hung a little differently,
and the people all have a little more or less sparkle about them.
this year.. feels different.
i'm not even sure how to explain it
other than it feels solid.
not good or bad or sad or any other
equivalent emotion.
it feels solid and sure and it's possibly
what is keeping me going.
i know its there. i know its waiting.
i know that even for the next few minutes, i'm
fading into it.
pretty deep, huh?
this is what happens when the fog rolls in.
there is no fog in my mind tonight.
a parting thought:
we are all a part of tommorow.
or are we?
and who is to know.

oh. and merry early christmas.
10 days to ho-ho!
♥

when i'm losin' my control, the city spins around.

i've come to find an irrevocable change in myself. the world spins differently to me now.
i've come to realize, it's been like this for days.
maybe weeks.
maybe years.
and what could this even mean?
besides the obvious.
you don't see me the way others do.
my heart beats to a drum that follows the thrum of the city pavement
striding under my feet
for miles.
the moments of silence, hostility and anger
blend and fade
under the gaze of your splendid eyes.
i want to know you forever.
forever is a long time
but the world will spin
for just that much longer
if we hold ourselves together
the way you promised
we always would.
i miss you.
sincerely,
me.

you know.. "those" cookies.

merry christmas.

i loved the light.

i'll look after you.

sunrisin' on me.

week one, _______

sometimes, the words get stuck in my throat.
three words
i can't manage them
the thought of them
and it's not because i don't ______
or that i'm afraid to ______
and i most always mean it, ______
especially to you.
maybe it's your fault
because i don't know how
you'll take it if i say ______
so it lodges itself
in my throat.
inching towards my tongue
to drop from my mouth
fall to your ears:
______
i think.


(fill in the blanks)

handsome little man.

rambling.

after that last and very deep post, i feel it might be okay if i revert to a somewhat pointless speech for today.
this morning i got up expecting a snow day. not really.. expecting, persee, more like hoping that it would miraculously freeze just long enough for school to be called off.
instead, i woke up to rain. dragged myself out of bed and laughed at my reflection. ate my cereal so slow i could have practically drowned in it while taking a bite.
even us bloggers have our days. we just write about it so the rest of the world that has these days can relate.
my actual day started by getting hit with a floor hockey puck several times. i felt it was my job to stand there and look akward and a little stunned so the ball wouldn't be passed to me. i didn't count that this wouldn't give me complete invisibility, you know, say.. the ball going right through me. meanwhile i stood in the middle of the gym while a herd of half monkey, half buffalos charged past me countless times.
when you've had a headache for three days, it doesn't really improve your condition very much.
so i've decided to take some good points from this. there has to be a half-full glass around here somewhere.
from this bad day, i've learned:
1)there is a purpose for that little point edge on the corner of your bed frame. i believe its aptly called a "toe breaker"
2)the reason your mom says "don't do that" is usually because you aren't supposed to do that. or else you end up with soggy, cold feet from that hole in your boots that "isn't that big"
3)you should never bet agaisnt yourself and a large patch of ice. you are no match for it. the ice will forever win.
4)while frustrated, you should pay attention to your surroundings (preferrably an open space) before making those common, angry hand and arm gestures, because unless you have a pillow on each hand you are bound to end up bruised.
*5)the best one of all: attitude doesn't matter. you can't take a deep breath and convince yourself you're in a better mood. you actually have to say "it could be so much worse" and believe it, or it will get much worse.

I hope you take just as much from your bad days. my result is a few bruises, a headache, cold & soggy feet, a sore tailbone, but I also have a glass that is half full.
The day isn't over yet.

love,
Hails Mac-Phails (please note, also spelled: Fails)

me, now.

i am 17.
i am a generally happy person
with a wonderful life,
and a family who loves me
but that's just the first layer.
in return, i love my family,
sometimes, maybe, more than they deserve.
if you were to spend an hour
talking to me, you'd come to the conclusion
that i'm either
really insightful, or
completely wacked.
that will never change.
i think if the glass isn't full-
you can fill it.
i'm spiritual, not religious
and there's a difference.
i'm always analyzing things,
thinking before speaking,
i think everything is not about what
happens, but
how you take it
and what you make it.
now you're getting to know me.
i'm old fashioned, indie,
retro.
i dream in black and white.
things matter to alot more than others- alot more than they should-
most of the time.
i have alot of hope for the future,
because i believe it's
going to be good and bad-
but i'll try not to be afraid.
i have no reason to be bitter about life- it's been too good to me,
but i have reason to hurt
i've been through alot
it's made me who i am.
sometimes people interpret it wrong
but if you guessed
you would never get it right.
getting warmer.
if you're my friend,
it means i trust you.
therefore, i have few good friends.
i am brave.
i have learned my lessons-
for whatever i've been given.
to conclude-
me, now.
i am 17.
i'm concerned about having a life in which i am truly happy-
not temporarily.
i have wandered in and out of
people's lives. it's about learning to
let go.
i will not change for others, or succumb
to the vision others have for me.
who knows where i will be,
in 20 years.
but i do know,
for anything in the world
i wouldn't change
me, now.

- to a very, very great teacher, as much as i jokingly say otherwise.

yes, yes that is a kodak brownie.

proud cousin.

so entirely wrapped around your little finger.

little man.

deck the halls with boughs of holly, falalalala.

it's the most wonderful time of the year.

theme of the year.

Every year has a theme. It can be anything from change to prosperity or even bad luck. Last year, I learned, my theme was acceptance. This year, it's bravery.
The story is, there are several or many events that happen in a year that lead to an all-over theme. This year, I got my first job, my amazing job and it taught me to not cautiously hover around the edge of the cliff, but to dive right off. I learned just how easy it is to communicate with people, which in the end effectively improved my communication with every around me.
I learned to be brave with my friendships- that trust is really the most important thing.
I found bravery came in handy in letting someone new in, but still being unafraid to keep some things to yourself, so you aren't left with nothing.
I discovered that it takes courage to be independant.
It takes bravery to be your own in highschool, to not follow the leader but march to your own drum in a way that doesn't shut everyone out but doesn't let anyone change you.
It takes bravery to admit your mistakes, to actually take the blame for whatever problems you have caused, despite the harsh judgements of others.

So bravery, in itself, isn't concrete. You can't see it or seek it or reach for it. But it's already there.
Lastly, it takes bravery to be brave, to stand up for all these things and everything else you believe in.
So, the year isn't over yet,
And I'm still learning,
but Courage, you've taught me a wonderful lesson so.. thanks (<3)
Everyone's theme is different, most times, so as the year rolls around to an end consider all the little things, the big things, and add them up. Your result, a life lesson. Think of it as one for each year. And take something from it, you don't want to have to repeat this kind of lesson.

Xoxo,
The Non-Cowardly Lion.

three cheers for scarves!

warning : creepy.

feeling inspired.

let time forgive the past.

time, time is tickin' on me.

Time,

Sitting still.

you will now see, the darker side of me.

Lights,

Camera

Action.

beatles editing.

inspired by

asofterworld.com

and the beatles.

♥

my theory about people.

I have a lot of theories. Life, love, relationships, summertime, and karma, but lately I've been thinking about people.
People amaze me. Somehow we manage to come from all walks of life and conform to this society that sets us high above everyone else.
But no matter our past, presents and future we have these events in our lives that define us as something other than our outward appearance may show.
So walking down a bland, white hallway lined with lockers today, I considered this. If everything bad that had ever happened to us was suddenly tattoed on our skin for the world to see- would we cover it up or wear it proudly because it's made us who we are today?
While reflecting on this, I also (while almost running over several people due to the intensity of my day dreaming) thought about the thousands of ways we choose to cover up. Smiles. Make-up. Lies, to name a few.
This brought me to the wondering of the worse for wear we are, the more layers we put on.
The less reason we have to trust turns into the less reason we have to open up.
This little string of thoughts brought me to my conclusion:
(And yes, I do think about these things walking down hallways)

There are 50,000 people with different situations, but at the end of the day we all want the same things.

i look at you.

storms
raging in the dark.
midnight charms the dreamer
and i sink into the thought of you.
i would wait forever.
spinning, twisting, threading a truth
i've long avoided.
you would be so good to me.
what you are is beautiful
how you are is loving.
coming to a haunting conclusion
to be scared is to want
where is my heart?
these days it's lost.
but at least it's lost with you.

♥

dedicated to MB.

write love on your arms day.

rain. ♥

Listening to the rain,

I thought about you

Felt the clouds splitting

and the sun broke through.

porch light flooding my thoughts.

worth waking up for.

because I never do scenery.

admitting defeat.

Today, I had the luxury of being happy. The kind of happy that makes your head spin and your face dissolve into a helpless smile. For fifteen minutes of my day, I lay face to face, inches away from my favorite little half-nephew and just stared. I don't mean in any wierd way, I mean in complete silence we just stared at each other, his little blue eyes digging deeper than anyone else, and I believe I have never felt that kind of happiness. It may seem cliche to those who haven't had the pleasure of understanding the way a child looks at you- in a way that can't be described in words because they don't know how to speak. Such simple happiness when you realize they've learned to tell you how much they love you with their eyes- without even understanding what love means. How they are so light and good because they know nothing of hurt. It's a kind of beautiful you wish you could describe in every way possible. I suppose it's how a mother feels, maybe, times one million. I felt complete in every sense of the world, to be still for fifteen minutes or a year- whatever he wanted, because I had no reason to move. I think this might be the kind of happiness people rave about and we call them crazy. The kind of happiness people keep to themselves because it is just so lovely. And love shows itself in a unique way for us all. You may be reading this right now and either a) be calling me gonzo or b) wondering where the heck this is coming from, but the answer is c) I understand there are kinds of love that hurt, and even happiness that hurts. But if you can take something like that from it, perhaps you should reconsider that it's worth it. Now this is a mouthful coming from a 17 year old who has hardly been off the front porch of what the world has to offer, but I'm pretty sure I'd rather it this way. So consider something today- whoever is reading this- can you imagine a happiness this complete? If you can, find it. Today. Tommorow. Whatever you like.
But find it.

love you, little man.

cape breton only.

soul reasons.

bridge to somewhere.

darlin' i wish you well, on your way to the wishing well.

may you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed

and may the voices inside that fill you with dread

make the sound of a thousand angels instead

tonight where you might be laying your head tonight.

- patty griffin.

i've had some time to think about you, on the long ride home.

blurbing.

today.. i'd like to talk about karma. what is karma? and who believes in it?
ME. i believe in it.
my karma varies depending on the day, so i tend to avoid black cats/undersides of ladders like the plague, cause i like to keep my luck in check too.
today.. today is just "one of those days". please allow me to explain.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly anxious (due to the fact that I am drawing) and I didn't do my routine I-love-life-happy-dance in the morning. I do actually dance every morning with my Ipod on the way to the kitchen. It could only go downhill from here.
Whilst pouring myself a bowl of cheerios, I realized there was no milk because the milk I was looking for was currently spilling all over my lovely clean counter. (Okay, it seemed like a lot)
So brushing it aside, I continued my morning routine, of jumping in the shower, determined not to let this become a problem. Singing happily and soaping up my locks, an unfortunate spray of water caused ALOT of shampoo to slide into my eye. In slow motion. I didn't even have the reflexes to close it. Therefore, I spent the next five minutes cursing and sticking my eye under a shower head.. which hurt probably just as much as the shampoo.
I have this favorite pair of jeans (you know where this is going). They have been well-worn, well-worth the price. They are a faded blue with rips and the softest denim imaginable, and this morning I happened to throw them on BEFORE putting on a bit of makeup (big no no). While squeezing my tube of liquid green eyeshadow, an air bubble magically appeared but in my hindsight, I didn't think to just pick another color and promptly squeezed harder. Lets say the favorite jeans have run their course. *tear*
So upon arriving at school .. after missing the bus. yep.. I happened to get winded during gym class bad enough that I spent an hour wandering around the gym sounding like I was having a mild asthma attack.
As if this wasn't bad enough, I dislike cellphones, but decided to charge mine figuring three days of it being dead was enough. First, I spent 10 minutes searching for the charger that happened to be already plugged in. Then the next 10 yelling at the immobile object before realizing I hadn't fully plugged it into the celly itself. Then promptly left for school while the cell phone stayed home.

So why, you ask? I dare not push my karma/luck but I strongly believe this string of events derived itself from a rather unfortunate incident last night when I basically stated my mother was wrong. Basically, you do not EVER challenge the wisdom of "the mother". That is my lesson, and karma, I have learned it well. In the meantime, I suggest you take the piece of advice from me, and hide your favorite pair of jeans if you don't.

Love love love,
the bad karma-d

Hails.

i have to actually feel something.

So, blog followers, I am in what you could say is a "rut" (rut - an uncomfortable situation in which there is no easy way out).
I have to draw. I have to draw for my life. And that may sound melodramatic and a very 17-year-old thing to say, but in truth my next few years of life depends on 20 pages of my messy, scrawly drawings. It's so bizzare that even the logic of the situation seems absurd. Things I would have complained about before? I'm not complaining anymore- they seem easy.
Because you see, art is the one thing that requires every single bit of emotion you can muster up. It is freeing and it is beautiful and it is expressive for all those reasons. When I get a camera in my hand, the emotion just happens, and then its hard to pry the camera away. When I get a pencil or peice of charcol in my hands, it feels like a foreign object and I have to resist the urge to hurl it at the wall. Catch what I'm throwing?
But I'm trying. Because I am a dedicated artist-e wannabe, I am trying. Hopefully if they don't see all my passion for art in a messy black scrawl, well maybe they will see hope, and defiance, and the fact that I am trying. I am really trying. Therefore, I will share with you pictures of my "drawings" when I am done, because you guys are my backbone. The triangle to my toblerone. The marshmellows to my hot chocolate.
Love, love.. love love love love. ♥

The Aspiring Van Goghette.

the sight.

There is a smell, a sight, and a sound when winter is on it's way. Waking up in the morning to a dusting of frost over all life, the cool, crisp smell of the world freezing, and the sound of silence.

i've got a handle on this.

it's a cape breton thing.

..and he's pretty much awesome. the end. ♥

.. he also has beautiful eyes..

.. he does cool tricks..

He has this cool trick where you put your hand above his pretty green eyes and he jumps up, wraps his paws around your hand gently and takes the treat from your fingers.

.. he enjoys creeping.