i'll love you- sitting on park benches in the rain
i'll love you- on dusty summer evenings
i'll love you- (more) than dusty summer evenings
i'll love you (more)- with every new beggining
i'll love you (even) more- with every new beginning
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
holding us back
So I am sitting here right now, all alone, drinking my cup of tea and daydreaming while I should probably be doing other things that may or may not have an effect on my life,
but daydreaming is important to me.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my photography. Due to the fact that people have been incredibly supportive and overwhelmingly enthusiastic about my great leaps forward into the world with my camera, I'm actually starting to grasp at the idea of doing this for the rest of my life.
The rest of my life.
I have it to do so many things. I can do anything, but I will choose to do things of importance.
I will choose to change lives and be irrepressibly happy and spend time in the company of those who make me laugh until my sides hurt and tears are squeezed out of my eyes.
I will live big. Heck, I will become an actress and when I get to Hollywood and the first message I will send is to be happy with yourself.
I will be, every kind of happy. Every kind of beautiful. Every kind of imperfect.
Because what good is a life that hasn't been lived?
I will love when it hurts.
I will make the most out of my life on earth- but allow for days where I do absolutely nothing at all.
I will change peoples lives for the better- but change myself when needed.
I will dream as big as the sky- but keep my feet planted firmly on the ground.
I will shake hands with people I've admired and look at them with nothing but respect, because at the end of the day we are nothing but humans looking to reach the same ultimate goal.
Life. I am ready.
but daydreaming is important to me.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my photography. Due to the fact that people have been incredibly supportive and overwhelmingly enthusiastic about my great leaps forward into the world with my camera, I'm actually starting to grasp at the idea of doing this for the rest of my life.
The rest of my life.
I have it to do so many things. I can do anything, but I will choose to do things of importance.
I will choose to change lives and be irrepressibly happy and spend time in the company of those who make me laugh until my sides hurt and tears are squeezed out of my eyes.
I will live big. Heck, I will become an actress and when I get to Hollywood and the first message I will send is to be happy with yourself.
I will be, every kind of happy. Every kind of beautiful. Every kind of imperfect.
Because what good is a life that hasn't been lived?
I will love when it hurts.
I will make the most out of my life on earth- but allow for days where I do absolutely nothing at all.
I will change peoples lives for the better- but change myself when needed.
I will dream as big as the sky- but keep my feet planted firmly on the ground.
I will shake hands with people I've admired and look at them with nothing but respect, because at the end of the day we are nothing but humans looking to reach the same ultimate goal.
Life. I am ready.
Monday, May 24, 2010
oh, you're in my veins
so while i am feeling almost illiterate right now, you guys love me and i'm gonna try anyways, and i have a lot to say.
this past week has shocked me into silence. (side note: haley macphee speechless does NOT happen. this week made it happen several times over- oh yes.)
on wednesday night i climbed up on stage at school with three of the most talented people i'm aware of, and three of the greatest guys i know and assisted on two great songs. the whole night was a success. plus, it was mostly a farewell to our richmond academy variety shows as we are graduating, which was sad but we finished up the night on the last two songs and our audience was AMAZING, particularly two girls in the front row who held hands and cried and kind of made our night. (you know who you are!).
the next night was the season finale of greys which by the way: HELL YES, shonda rhimes. for the win. you blew it out of the water, and you had over 16 million viewers! you are loved! loved loved loved. if anyone gets the chance, check out her blog about the show- she wrote a great piece about why things happened the way they did on the show. i would also like to inform everyone that i ate my weight in ice cream and probably cleaned up enough tissues for a year. but it was brilliant. here we come, september!
and here comes the best part. at 9:45 friday morning, the phone rings. which isn't really unusual, but i was still asleep then (THAT is unusual). so my father comes in whispering and gesturing at me to answer the phone (side note: you know when people are excited and make overly exaggerated hand movements? my dad looked like he was trying to take out my light on my ceiling. while swatting at 200 wasps.) anyways, it turns out it was the Center for Arts and Technology.
pause.
The Center for Arts and Technology is my new and improved NSCAD. While I still love NSCAD and seriously respect their intense and thorough fine arts program, and still hope to attend there someday, my ideal school right now is the Center because the program is entirely focused on Digital Photography, mostly commercial and photojournalism. (hurrah!) So the ideal for me right now to get on my feet, is the Center. The door opened unexpectedly but I'm welcoming it.
aaaaaaaaaaaand..
the man on the phone- while i managed to spit out a bleary "heelleohgjr" *yawn*- cheerfully informed me that my portfolio had been reviewed and the news was great- I was in! well, needless to say, no energy drink or caffeine required, i was WIDE awake. i think i managed to thank him forty-odd times before hanging up and doing the lotto 649 happy dance and screaming "YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH" while my father sat calmly staring at me. i stopped and looked at him (note: wide eyed, mental patient kind of look) and said "um, hello?" before he burst into laughter and informs me the man had called ten minutes ago and told him then. yes folks, that is my prankster father and god I love him but he did suffer a sore shoulder from a well-aimed punch (and a reeeeeeeeally big ring).
after things had calmed down i was suddenly told to pack up my things, shower, etc.- i was going to my favvvvorite place in the world for the weekend with my faaaavorite people. i won't really go into detail about the few, amazing days i had with my girls. it involved long, much needed heart-to-hearts, greys anatomy, lots of laughing and a late-night mission for the most amazing cookies in the world. did anyone know that cookies taste indescribably better at two-thirty in the morning? did anyone know that i probably have the best friends in the world? this will later be proved.
so earlier that week, i had been told there would be a party for my aunt and cousin who both had birthdays very close together. it was the plan for me to make the cake, because i make an excellent swiss chocolate betty crocker cake with cream cheese icing and melted chocolate drizzle (with strawberries). so the day i was supposed to make the cake, i told the girls we should wait until later. well, later never came because the power magically went out and wasn't restored until 8 that night. all in a panic, we made this beautiful chocolate cake and decorated it and everything.
so us girls climbed in the car, all packed up for a road trip to my house (where said party was being held), and got on our way- all the while precariously balancing the cake on our laps and trying to keep a steady flow of A/C on it. on the road, about an hour away from home, i get a phone call saying more family couldn't make it. i was dissapointed, because my family is so awesome to have around and it undoubtedly turns into a mega huge jam session.
finally, pulling closer to home, i seen the first car. then another. then two more. they just kept going. at least 15 cars, all familiar. i shook my head and jumped out, running past all the obvious decorations that i will later explain about. at this point, it was more desperation to get the cake inside before it became a puddle. running through the doorway, i was stopped DEAD in my tracks. my entire family, all my friends, every familiar face that i love- were all crowded within two rooms screaming "SURPRISE" and before i even had a chance to take this in all arms were around me. yes, my family threw me a surprise graduation party they had been planning for months. at this point the cameras were going off and i looked like a deer in the headlights, all the while i bawled my eyes out.
this is the part with hugs and catching up and a million congratulations and enough food to feed an army (typically macphee).. eventually, the guitars were brought out. a room full of everyone i love more than life itself, playing beautiful music with arms wrapped around each other just screams "my childhood". i was every kind of happy. i was bursting. then my beautiful little cousin drags me upstairs with the promise she had the best surprise yet. my nine year old cousin sits me down and proceeds to sing me this song she wrote for me all by herself- and as if the gesture itself wasn't enough to make me cry like a baby, the song was extraordinary and she is such a beautiful singer.
I can't live without you
Just you, me, Keiran and Payton too!
and when you're gone to university
i'm gonna miss you it's plain to see
I'm gonna miss you when you're gone
no doubt about it
Hope you're not gone too long
It's like a candle thats lit-
Soon it will die out,
Makes me wanna scream and shout
I can't live without you.
I remember all the good times we had
Just thinking about it makes me sad
That I'm not gonna see you for awhile
when I think of you it makes me smile
la la la la la la la la ..
I'll think about you every day,
So congrats you're on your way!
wiping at my eyes which reassembled a dripping tap, i hugged her like i was never gonna let it go. I guess it was at this point, after all the talking and the "remember whens" of my older cousins graduations that i realized that this was it- this was mine. but it was time to shake it off and go do what we do best- jam.
we did. we danced and laughed and drank until there was nothing left to say. all the songs had been sung and we were all a weeeeee bit too drunk to dance without falling over. but i love them. God I love them. and I know families have their ups and downs and every fight has a reason behind it but I guess what I'm saying is that they've never given me a reason to do anything but love them, with all of my heart. I mean, I've been telling them for five years that all I want when I graduate is a fam-jam. (family jam session). It represents my childhood and graduation represents becoming an adult. So why not celebrate by remembering? Plus, it makes me irrepressibly happy. Anyways, my big, beautiful family all got together and pitched in to make this happen. Without a question. Without hesitation. And make it probably the night I will remember forever.
So without a doubt this has been an unbelievably incredible week. I am every kind of happy. I am growing up but the fact that I will always have these people supporting me, loving me, behind me every step of the way makes it so much easier to let go. I will always come back. I love you guys so, so much and you know that already, but I will never stop reminding you. Blood is so much thicker than water.
Thank you.
<3
this past week has shocked me into silence. (side note: haley macphee speechless does NOT happen. this week made it happen several times over- oh yes.)
on wednesday night i climbed up on stage at school with three of the most talented people i'm aware of, and three of the greatest guys i know and assisted on two great songs. the whole night was a success. plus, it was mostly a farewell to our richmond academy variety shows as we are graduating, which was sad but we finished up the night on the last two songs and our audience was AMAZING, particularly two girls in the front row who held hands and cried and kind of made our night. (you know who you are!).
the next night was the season finale of greys which by the way: HELL YES, shonda rhimes. for the win. you blew it out of the water, and you had over 16 million viewers! you are loved! loved loved loved. if anyone gets the chance, check out her blog about the show- she wrote a great piece about why things happened the way they did on the show. i would also like to inform everyone that i ate my weight in ice cream and probably cleaned up enough tissues for a year. but it was brilliant. here we come, september!
and here comes the best part. at 9:45 friday morning, the phone rings. which isn't really unusual, but i was still asleep then (THAT is unusual). so my father comes in whispering and gesturing at me to answer the phone (side note: you know when people are excited and make overly exaggerated hand movements? my dad looked like he was trying to take out my light on my ceiling. while swatting at 200 wasps.) anyways, it turns out it was the Center for Arts and Technology.
pause.
The Center for Arts and Technology is my new and improved NSCAD. While I still love NSCAD and seriously respect their intense and thorough fine arts program, and still hope to attend there someday, my ideal school right now is the Center because the program is entirely focused on Digital Photography, mostly commercial and photojournalism. (hurrah!) So the ideal for me right now to get on my feet, is the Center. The door opened unexpectedly but I'm welcoming it.
aaaaaaaaaaaand..
the man on the phone- while i managed to spit out a bleary "heelleohgjr" *yawn*- cheerfully informed me that my portfolio had been reviewed and the news was great- I was in! well, needless to say, no energy drink or caffeine required, i was WIDE awake. i think i managed to thank him forty-odd times before hanging up and doing the lotto 649 happy dance and screaming "YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH" while my father sat calmly staring at me. i stopped and looked at him (note: wide eyed, mental patient kind of look) and said "um, hello?" before he burst into laughter and informs me the man had called ten minutes ago and told him then. yes folks, that is my prankster father and god I love him but he did suffer a sore shoulder from a well-aimed punch (and a reeeeeeeeally big ring).
after things had calmed down i was suddenly told to pack up my things, shower, etc.- i was going to my favvvvorite place in the world for the weekend with my faaaavorite people. i won't really go into detail about the few, amazing days i had with my girls. it involved long, much needed heart-to-hearts, greys anatomy, lots of laughing and a late-night mission for the most amazing cookies in the world. did anyone know that cookies taste indescribably better at two-thirty in the morning? did anyone know that i probably have the best friends in the world? this will later be proved.
so earlier that week, i had been told there would be a party for my aunt and cousin who both had birthdays very close together. it was the plan for me to make the cake, because i make an excellent swiss chocolate betty crocker cake with cream cheese icing and melted chocolate drizzle (with strawberries). so the day i was supposed to make the cake, i told the girls we should wait until later. well, later never came because the power magically went out and wasn't restored until 8 that night. all in a panic, we made this beautiful chocolate cake and decorated it and everything.
so us girls climbed in the car, all packed up for a road trip to my house (where said party was being held), and got on our way- all the while precariously balancing the cake on our laps and trying to keep a steady flow of A/C on it. on the road, about an hour away from home, i get a phone call saying more family couldn't make it. i was dissapointed, because my family is so awesome to have around and it undoubtedly turns into a mega huge jam session.
finally, pulling closer to home, i seen the first car. then another. then two more. they just kept going. at least 15 cars, all familiar. i shook my head and jumped out, running past all the obvious decorations that i will later explain about. at this point, it was more desperation to get the cake inside before it became a puddle. running through the doorway, i was stopped DEAD in my tracks. my entire family, all my friends, every familiar face that i love- were all crowded within two rooms screaming "SURPRISE" and before i even had a chance to take this in all arms were around me. yes, my family threw me a surprise graduation party they had been planning for months. at this point the cameras were going off and i looked like a deer in the headlights, all the while i bawled my eyes out.
this is the part with hugs and catching up and a million congratulations and enough food to feed an army (typically macphee).. eventually, the guitars were brought out. a room full of everyone i love more than life itself, playing beautiful music with arms wrapped around each other just screams "my childhood". i was every kind of happy. i was bursting. then my beautiful little cousin drags me upstairs with the promise she had the best surprise yet. my nine year old cousin sits me down and proceeds to sing me this song she wrote for me all by herself- and as if the gesture itself wasn't enough to make me cry like a baby, the song was extraordinary and she is such a beautiful singer.
I can't live without you
Just you, me, Keiran and Payton too!
and when you're gone to university
i'm gonna miss you it's plain to see
I'm gonna miss you when you're gone
no doubt about it
Hope you're not gone too long
It's like a candle thats lit-
Soon it will die out,
Makes me wanna scream and shout
I can't live without you.
I remember all the good times we had
Just thinking about it makes me sad
That I'm not gonna see you for awhile
when I think of you it makes me smile
la la la la la la la la ..
I'll think about you every day,
So congrats you're on your way!
wiping at my eyes which reassembled a dripping tap, i hugged her like i was never gonna let it go. I guess it was at this point, after all the talking and the "remember whens" of my older cousins graduations that i realized that this was it- this was mine. but it was time to shake it off and go do what we do best- jam.
we did. we danced and laughed and drank until there was nothing left to say. all the songs had been sung and we were all a weeeeee bit too drunk to dance without falling over. but i love them. God I love them. and I know families have their ups and downs and every fight has a reason behind it but I guess what I'm saying is that they've never given me a reason to do anything but love them, with all of my heart. I mean, I've been telling them for five years that all I want when I graduate is a fam-jam. (family jam session). It represents my childhood and graduation represents becoming an adult. So why not celebrate by remembering? Plus, it makes me irrepressibly happy. Anyways, my big, beautiful family all got together and pitched in to make this happen. Without a question. Without hesitation. And make it probably the night I will remember forever.
So without a doubt this has been an unbelievably incredible week. I am every kind of happy. I am growing up but the fact that I will always have these people supporting me, loving me, behind me every step of the way makes it so much easier to let go. I will always come back. I love you guys so, so much and you know that already, but I will never stop reminding you. Blood is so much thicker than water.
Thank you.
<3
you touch me, it leaves a stitch
the series of photos actually started after i had a listen to "American Stitches" by Richard Walters. some people might find it a little on the slower side, but i was wrapped up in the intensity of the emotion in the song- it was so gentle but powerful. I liked the image he gives when he says ".. you touch me, it leaves a stitch", it makes us believe there exists someone out there who can put us back together when we're broken. its every kind of beautiful.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
so much more.
everyone laughs at me when I throw myself into my typical "grey's is amazing" rant. what people don't know, is that to me, it is so much more than just a show. i am not your typical dramatic teenager (although i do have my moments), and i am not in it for the drama, and i can distinguish television from reality.
i've been watching this show since day one. (well, day one of the second year). and, i loved it then. i was absorbed in the storyline, i cried when appropriate and laughed when necessary, but i never really watched grey's anatomy until i lost my best friend. a lot of people associate loss with death or the misplacement of things. it doesn't always mean people or things are gone forever. maybe pieces of them, the most important pieces of them have gone missing. and that is what i am speaking of.
so when i lost my best friend, i started observing the characters. i found pieces of myself in the doctors, in the patients, in the people in and outside the hospital. i went through the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
the thing is, you can't act "loss". you can't pretend to know what it is like. we have all lost, and inspiration usually comes from past experience. so watching these people, lose, and be angry- allow themselves to be angry, and then come to terms, amazed me. i wasn't depressed. i never stopped eating. i was a survivor. i was okay. but i was not good or great.
loving someone is almost as hard as losing someone and it is the point when you lose someone that you realize how much you cared- and its usually immeasurable. losing someone means that you not only have to come to terms with how much you cared, but admit that you cared in the first place. you don't really ever learn the limit of your pain until you have truly lost.
and to everyone else, who had already lost, they were not in the same place as me. to the patients on the show, this was fresh pain. they understood, they weren't waiting for me to realize it wasn't the end of the world. they said we were going to get through it and eventually we did.
like the moment "a physician can tell you the exact moment they became a surgeon", everyone can tell you the moment of their transition from child to adult. we are not all surgeons standing around operating tables- but we all have a story. there is drama everywhere, that is nothing new. we will all love, and we will all fall apart- but its the people that are around to put you back together that honestly matter.
so yes, it is just a television show and at the end of the day i spend sundown with the people i love the most, and the people that love me most. but the same show gave me honesty. it was not the end of the world. it was not the end of anything. it was a beginning. every story comes from somewhere. and there is someone else out there going through the exact same thing.
it's just a show, and i'm thankful, but really- i taught myself how to be this way.
at the end of the day.
option one.
there will come a time
when you will have to decide who is important enough
to stay in your life.
i have already decided.
because at the end of the day,
you are going to need people who will make you happy.
who will not wait around for you to make mistakes
but will accept you
when you do, because at some point-
you are going to.
and i would rather spend one day with
one of of those people
than a year with a group who will
only stay, to see me fall.
go with option one.
when you will have to decide who is important enough
to stay in your life.
i have already decided.
because at the end of the day,
you are going to need people who will make you happy.
who will not wait around for you to make mistakes
but will accept you
when you do, because at some point-
you are going to.
and i would rather spend one day with
one of of those people
than a year with a group who will
only stay, to see me fall.
go with option one.
open your eyes, its time to see if you still believe, in me.
happiness.
it's a funny thing.
if you find someone in your life,
that makes you happy,
why not go the extra mile to keep them around?
we are all unique,
right?
there are people that are similar,
people who are somewhat alike,
but there are no two people that are the same.
so why would we ever
be so foolish to assume,
that walking away from these people,
we would come back to find them standing in the same place
we left them?
people move and
people change and we can't stop them
but we can keep our grip
because if we let go we might not get it back.
so,
at the end of the day,
can we really walk away from "that" person-
who makes us undoubtedly and infinitely happy
knowing there is no one else in the world like them?
maybe we are made for some people
maybe we there are people out there who are made for us.
and at the end of the day,
it can be stolen, it can be taken away
or it can be given and made,
and maybe the only sure thing we know is that
happiness is all that counts-
at the end of the day.
it's a funny thing.
if you find someone in your life,
that makes you happy,
why not go the extra mile to keep them around?
we are all unique,
right?
there are people that are similar,
people who are somewhat alike,
but there are no two people that are the same.
so why would we ever
be so foolish to assume,
that walking away from these people,
we would come back to find them standing in the same place
we left them?
people move and
people change and we can't stop them
but we can keep our grip
because if we let go we might not get it back.
so,
at the end of the day,
can we really walk away from "that" person-
who makes us undoubtedly and infinitely happy
knowing there is no one else in the world like them?
maybe we are made for some people
maybe we there are people out there who are made for us.
and at the end of the day,
it can be stolen, it can be taken away
or it can be given and made,
and maybe the only sure thing we know is that
happiness is all that counts-
at the end of the day.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
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