so much more.

everyone laughs at me when I throw myself into my typical "grey's is amazing" rant. what people don't know, is that to me, it is so much more than just a show. i am not your typical dramatic teenager (although i do have my moments), and i am not in it for the drama, and i can distinguish television from reality.

i've been watching this show since day one. (well, day one of the second year). and, i loved it then. i was absorbed in the storyline, i cried when appropriate and laughed when necessary, but i never really watched grey's anatomy until i lost my best friend. a lot of people associate loss with death or the misplacement of things. it doesn't always mean people or things are gone forever. maybe pieces of them, the most important pieces of them have gone missing. and that is what i am speaking of. 

so when i lost my best friend, i started observing the characters. i found pieces of myself in the doctors, in the patients, in the people in and outside the hospital. i went through the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. 

the thing is, you can't act "loss". you can't pretend to know what it is like. we have all lost, and inspiration usually comes from past experience. so watching these people, lose, and be angry- allow themselves to be angry, and then come to terms, amazed me. i wasn't depressed. i never stopped eating. i was a survivor. i was okay. but i was not good or great. 

loving someone is almost as hard as losing someone and it is the point when you lose someone that you realize how much you cared- and its usually immeasurable. losing someone means that you not only have to come to terms with how much you cared, but admit that you cared in the first place. you don't really ever learn the limit of your pain until you have truly lost.

and to everyone else, who had already lost, they were not in the same place as me. to the patients on the show, this was fresh pain. they understood, they weren't waiting for me to realize it wasn't the end of the world. they said we were going to get through it and eventually we did. 

like the moment "a physician can tell you the exact moment they became a surgeon", everyone can tell you the moment of their transition from child to adult. we are not all surgeons standing around operating tables- but we all have a story. there is drama everywhere, that is nothing new. we will all love, and we will all fall apart- but its the people that are around to put you back together that honestly matter. 

so yes, it is just a television show and at the end of the day i spend sundown with the people i love the most, and the people that love me most. but the same show gave me honesty. it was not the end of the world. it was not the end of anything. it was a beginning. every story comes from somewhere. and there is someone else out there going through the exact same thing. 

it's just a show, and i'm thankful, but really- i taught myself how to be this way. 

at the end of the day.