send me away with the words of a love song

the human heart is amazing. it can take almost anything- some more weathered and worn than others. this week, my heart has taken its fair share. and to top it all off, i'm writing a song.
but mostly, the thing on my mind is that the season in ingonish is coming to an end again. for years, since i was a little girl, i'd always wanted more time here. and blessedly, i finally got my wish. for one year- one season, i lived in ingonish long enough to see the fall colors, and perhaps even the first snow. it doesn't change how hard the goodbye is. next time i see this place i will be a different person- a university student.
i am a different person. the girl who showed up in ingonish for the summer is long gone.. left in the dust. waiting patiently. maybe i'll see her again, when i need to be reminded. but for the most part.. she is gone.
in her place is a girl who is peaceful.. who has a steadier mind and a clearer vision. this, of course, has come with a heavy price and a heavier heart. who will walk away with a valuable lesson, but will walk away without you. music doesn't sound sweeter and the grass isn't greener on the other side- as far as i know, its a struggle every step of the way to get closure. i thought i wouldn't be paying the price the way you would, but in reality, i am. just in a different way.. at the end of the day, i still don't get you. and as wrong as it is, because you don't deserve me, it still hurts and i still want you here. that will change, it will fade, but when it hits in those moments my god it hurts.
we both made promises, we both said words and we both held on to something that would invariably lead us to today. i don't much like today, but i will look back and smile. i wanted to see you in person, again.. see that crooked smile, feel that comfort and those eyes on me before i let it all disappear and fade. i needed closure- i still need it. i will say goodbye to "our" places, i will walk away no matter how hard it is. some day, i'll even come back. i don't want space, or distance or time.. i want to see you again for a few hours, then i can keep moving.
the heart is an amazing thing. i'm hoping mine knows me well enough to lead me the right way. i'm hoping i know well enough to listen when it does.