reoccuring

She stood on the edge of the cliffs and held her breath. The sea crashed powerfully against the rocks, the tide swaying back and forth like her slim body, arms wrapped around both sides as though she was trying to contain herself. She shivered as the wind whipped tighter around her, pushing her dangerously close to the precarious drop that lead to the icy waters some sixty feet below. Eyes closed, she let out a breathless, magnificent smile. This was her place, her happiness, her release.. forgiveness, and closure, would surely find her here. All the nagging questions may not be answered but she could surely be at peace with them. She was a different girl that the one who first visited the place at the start of the summer. Exuberant, full of life and passion, easy to love, first to forgive.. she had found this secret place on the edge of the ocean over a year ago and something deep inside had clicked. She had found it- the place she didn’t even know she was looking for. The place she knew would be waiting for her. And here she was, high atop the cliffs on the rough, weathered edge, letting her troubles fly with the wind, because in that moment it seemed as though nothing could possibly be worth distracting from the beauty of the place.

I stood high on the weathered cliffs. Eyes closed, wind whipping my hair and my body rocking back and forth like the waves some sixty feet below me, I could feel my shoulders relaxing and the tension built up from past weeks washing away with every passing second. An uncontrollable wave of happiness crashed over me and I could feel my lips spread and my face light with a huge smile. There was nothing that could take away from this moment. Coming here- I’d had a purpose. A moment to call my own, in my favourite place. 

The sound of approaching, soft footsteps didn’t so much get my attention as the feeling of a significant presence behind me, to my left. Wordlessly, I smiled. “I thought I told you I was coming here for me?” I said aloud, eyes still shut tight. He smiled his crooked, impish smile and shrugged slyly. I let a moment pass and he spoke softly, “I wanted to be here one last time.. with you”. With that my resolve weakened and his arms slipped around my waist, his chin resting gently against my shoulder. “Hey qt..”, he whispered into my ear, his lips spelling out the words on my skin and leaving a trail of goose bumps at the use of my nickname. I pushed myself back against him and his grip tightened. Sighing softly, I let the moment be.  

“This can’t happen”, I spoke clearly, despite the defiance behind my words. “I know”, he mumbled, still in my ear and leaving a long trail of butterfly kisses over my collarbone and neck. I shivered, even though the cold had long since disappeared. The wind had shifted slightly in our favour and we stood comfortably, relaxed. A massive structure made from driftwood teetered dangerously on the hill to our left and we focused slowly on it. He was the first to speak. "Qt..", he whispered. I turned and met his gaze and wordlessly we began moving towards it, fingers laced lightly together. As we approached it, the air filled with the ghost a burning, acrid smell, and the sheer size of it was breathtaking. It stood bone white against a darkening grey sky. 

I felt his hand drop from mine and he withdrew a small white square slowly from his pocket. Matches. Surprise filled his eyes, masked against the confusion we both felt. He removed one and struck it quickly, meeting my gaze one last time before moving towards the "house" and tossing the match. Flames lifted up through the air within seconds and the smell was no longer just a memory. The fire licked at the wood and tinged it black, making its way higher and higher until it was completely engulfed. He was now back at my side and we watched it separately, barely touching. 

He shifted by my side and turned towards me..

And this is when I wake up. Every time. It varies between running and walking, usually he is waiting at the top rather than walking with me.. Sometimes the fire is out of control, sometimes its small, and sometimes the house is already burned but it never strays from the "house". Its just a structure. And most of the details are true in real life (except the house, obviously). Sometimes there is thunder, and sometimes there is rain. Sometimes we kiss and other times we don't even look at each other. Its so real and intense that I can smell and taste and hear.

A few weeks ago I ran to the top of the hill and there was nothing. It was silent, no house and no him. And the sky was clear to the horizon. It was an overwhelming sense of relief. 

I don't know much about dreams, except I dream a lot and usually several in one night. I started having this one over four months ago and I've had it literally every night since. No matter what other dreams, this one is always playing over and over. Any ideas?