xavier rudd

first off, I know whoever still reads this blog is completely lost with where I am currently in life (don't blame you, sorry for slacking).
but it's really okay, I'm not even going to give the basics.
so tonight, after much, much emotional stress from every direction, I went outside with just a blanket, Neil Young (via iPod), and a pillow to sit under the stars and just relax.
well five minutes in the freezing cold turned into an hour, and Neil Young turned into my summer playlist and my nice, "relaxed" face turned into a straight hour of just crying.
not bad, sad, unhappy crying. Letting-go-of-everything crying. If you've never cried like that- make it a point to let it happen sometime in your life. anyways, it felt so darn good that I lost hope of ever making myself stop. literally just let it happen (in between laughing at myself through heaving sobs).
it was a tiny, tiny miracle. under those stars, I felt so entirely small- yet somehow not insignificant. feeling so part of this big big world and life, and just knowing there is something planned for me. so xavier rudd kicked in and the drum followed my steady, controlled heart beat. it was funny how my body let go but my heart was the ever-faithful soldier, never breaking time. by the end of the hour, I had unconsciously wrapped my arms tight around myself, in some sort of half-hug, but also half checking to make sure I was still all in one piece.
either way, it was utterly and completely liberating. slightly crazy, erratic and some people might even laugh at it. but I have never known that kind of freedom. it felt kind of like growing up, kind of like letting go.
kind of like faith.
and a little bit like trust.
a little bit like everything is just going to be okay.