i don't love you but i always will

walking away is the hardest thing
because with each step
i know it will get even harder to keep going
instead of easier.
my mind is focused on what i imagine is you,
only so few steps away from my retreating back
and it does seem easier to turn around
it seems easier to give in.
luckily, i've always been blessed with hindsight
and the benefit of the doubt
that i'm afraid i can't give you.
and i know you feel the same.
i'm being pulled so many ways i don't know
if the pieces will ever fit the same again
sort of like how, we don't fit right any more.
we used to be like a puzzle-
pieces made, one for the other. taking a step back
it was so much bigger. so beautiful.
and even if i wanted to turn back now,
my feet are unstoppable.
i will keep moving until i get so far away
that all that is left is a thought of you for every day-
so you know that even with the distance
i think of you.
so you know that i'm not being selfish
i'm cutting the strings that held us so tight
so i'm left with the severed lines.
so you can walk away without baggage.
so you can be left without any proof of how strong
how worn
how beautiful those strings were.
i'm not being selfish.

i never had a choice, but i'd still choose you.

the temper trap.

i want so much to open your eyes

cause i need you to look into mine.

open your eyes.

i have a truth to share with the world before i fall asleep tonight. 

it's something we all have inside of us. 

ironically, the thing i'm about to tell you

and the reason i'm telling you

do not make sense.

they are complete opposites and if you really

really put them together,

they make no sense at all.

so here it is:

i am afraid. 

i am afraid of, alot of things. 

i am afraid that what i do, may not be good enough.

i'm afraid that what i say, when it really means something,

when everyone is listening

will not be worth listening to. 

and i am afraid of letting go.

the free fall from comfort

to trust is a long, fast

scary fall and i've yet to let go and 

take the fall

these days because the last time i did

the person i fell for

who promised he would wait at the bottom and catch me

had left me

to fall alone and hit nothing but 

cold ground.

his arms were busy catching someone else.

the scars never really fade. at least not in my eyes.

the pain.. goes away.

time.. well it catches up.

and i never said i was in love.

i never said the word love.

but that didn't make the fall hurt any less.

people tell me all the time to just let go

to take that leap and it might be worth it

these people have not taken the time

to judge the distance. 

because when it comes to free-falling,

it saves alot of pain to just 

be sure.

be sure that arms will be there to grab you.

whether it's friendship

lovers

family.

because those people?

those people are really worth having.

those people might only be around for a little while

but they are the people you never forget.

don't be crazy enough to fall a second time

for a person who didn't catch you on the first fall.

the scars left inside

should be deep.

but the emotional scar should tell you

that no matter how much you want to edge towards the cliff and feel 

the insane rush of the drop..

it's better to stay on solid ground.

so. while i admit

that i am scared, most of the time.

i am not scared to admit how afraid i am.

and i think.. that might just make me brave.

it's okay to be scared. it's not okay to walk away

without admitting you did something wrong.

open your eyes. 

make sure,

you aren't going to be alone at the bottom,

or don't take the fall.

joy williams.

i'm gonna love you, baby come rain or shine.

poster of a girl.