in this life

for those of you reading this, you most likely know me.

or, if not, by reading my blog you've probably got me pretty figured out.

this year has brought a lot of changes for me, for me and my heart-

as have the past couple years.

i would never pretend that people don't know me-

i would never say that i'm cold or i shut people out,

i'm actually pretty easy to get to know (figuring me out is entirely another story)

but i have been challenged, my heart is strong, and weak, and imperfect

and i am strong, and weak, and imperfect.

i'm not sure in what ways i can explain how i've changed

i know some have been good, others not as much

and some of me has remained the same- stubborn as always.

i blame the changes on people, without really blaming at all,

and i take some of the credit myself, because you can pass up a whole lifetime of lessons,

if you aren't paying attention. so i guess what i'm saying is,

i owe some people some "thank yous", but at the end of the day

i'm proud of myself for paying attention. 

(are you paying attention?)

life is a big deal, at 18. you get faced with a million things flying at you

like a train going breakneck speed, and some days you've really got to wonder where the hell

the breaks are. life has been different for me, i imagine

because i've managed to stay a little to the sidelines of the ordinary-

and i like it that way, even if i haven't asked for it.

the best things in life come without having to be asked for. 

the best things in this life are the surprises, the people that come along without warning

and change you, the people that make you wonder how you got to be so damn lucky.

the best things in life are the mornings you wake up and feel like you'll stop breathing if you

take in any more happiness. like you don't actually need anything but the right here, right now. 

the moments that steal your breath- and you let them.

the people who hold you as close as you hold them- i don't think much feels better than that. 

its the little things, always, that make all other things right.

and all of these things that i'm mentioning are rare, are beautiful, and entirely special-

and even at 18 i've had a lifetime, and in this case, a summer of them.

maybe they aren't so rare, maybe people have just lost the ability to feel and see them all the time,

because they are there. 

i don't know who opened my eyes, but damn, i'd like to thank them.

and with all of those moments, we know, comes the losses and the tragedies, and the hurt.  

its the balance, its the reason we keep moving- keep going..

keep living. 

the truth is, i don't know why the number of my years states i'm 18 but i want to be able to fully appreciate these things, as an adult, without being judged.
i don't think like this sometimes, 

i only think differently sometimes. i love living life with eyes wide open

and because of situations and damages and hurt,

its not always possible. but when it is, i do.

in this life, i've been told a few things that will probably stick with me forever. 

"become what i know you can"

"you're real.. the most real girl i know"

"you can do absolutely anything you put your mind to".

these words have helped me keep going, have made me feel appreciated, so to these three extraordinarily important people in my life, a big thank you.

and to all the rest, you mean the world to me. 

you have all helped change, and brighten my life.

so thank you.