when you're gone, colors seem to fade

people have been asking me for a while now why everything to do with names relating to me are all "a panoramic heart".
i know it seems corny.. maybe a little stupid,
and a lot of people don't actually get it.
so eventually, i'll get around to the little inspirational twist that made me get that name.
but first..

i'm graduating this year.
and as i say that i'm holding my breath.
its good, don't get me wrong..
it might even be great.
i'm excited and nervous and all the appropriate emotions rush to the surface when
i say it..
but its big. its huge,
and because we are only seveteen and apparently lacking the ability to realize the full extent of what this means,
or the experience to know what will come with it
and the magical gift to see into the future,
it is "big",
but i don't know how big.
and that, that does scare me.
twelve years of consistent patterns and classes and being on a 9-3 schedule has left a lot of people at a loss.

and, were leaving all these great people.
people who were strangers, four years ago, now know our deepest, darkest secrets.
we have loved, we have lost. we have fought and lived big and we have soaked up moments.. and people have mattered, to the extent that we can let them. some, more than others.
i have done all these things and more,
and when the time comes to walk away,
i will be as ready as possible, and it will be enough.
i'm not saying it won't hurt, but right now,
the focus is on all the amazing things that are coming.
the bad things,
the worst and best days
and the friends and people i will love and lose.
i have big, BIG plans for my life
and whether they succeed or not the past few years of my life have been about
learning to let people in and
learning to be a person who deserves people- great people in my life
so no matter what these dreams are
no matter where i end up-
at the end of the day, i am happy and loved.
and i have people who care about me..
literally, no matter what.

so the panoramic heart name?
we all know what panoramic means.. but just to be sure, lets give a definition.
panoramic: having great or certain view from all sides.
what high school, what life has taught me most up to this point is to look at the bigger picture.
people have given me pieces and i've put together the puzzle..
and stepping back i realize its who i am.

right now i know there are several people reading this who have been major pieces to this puzzle.
and not only do i love them for reading my random thoughts,
i love them because they are everything i write about. at the end of the day, whether they realize it or not- whether they are scared of distance from the most important people in their lives
one day it won't matter, because at the end of the day they are most definitely loved.

graduation date: t-18 days.
i'm so, so ready.